I hate this. Feeling like I’m not important or cared about at all by anyone. This is why I don’t trust people. This is why I keep you people out. Because you don’t deserve my kindness and trust. Because the only person that will take care of me is me.
I feel used, lost, discouraged.
I want to just give up.
there is drainage behind my ear.
It comes, it goes. I’m hoping it will go forever soon. I don’t like things afflicting me I don’t understand.
I guess it’s sinus drainage? I wasn’t aware like. Shit was built that way in there.
But whatevs.
Where does motivation come from? How do you plant it?
The tricky thing about motivation is you can’t simply demand a person have it. I ran on my own forced motivation for over two years at Target. It ran out recently, and there wasn’t anything else there to keep me there. My bosses have no clue what it means to motivate a person. Positive reinforcement, encouragement—all alien ideas.
I’m reminded of my brief flirtation with college. I feel lost. I don’t know what I want from my life anymore, and I’ve no clue where to go with it. I know I should be more pro-active and not just lay in bed all day. But I mean, what would I do if I got out of bed? Clean a room that will eventually dirty? Clean a car that I hate? Waste gas I can’t afford? Eat food we don’t have?
I wish I felt like life was worthwhile or important right now. I wish I felt like fighting.
I wish I felt like doing anything except giving up.
See the post below.
Passion.
It’s true; right now I don’t really feel any retailerful passion. (retailish? retailesque?)
Where does passion go?
And can you ever find it again?
I’m doing the best I can do to do the best I can do without the natural passion that used to fuel my work. It’s hard. It’s exhausting.
Sometimes life is like that.
I just have to hope and pray that things will work out the way they are meant to.
And they will—whether I like it or not.
Today I realized that my dad and stepmom are soulmates.
My dad’s an amazing man. But he’s definitely not perfect. But today, I had a talk with him, and realized that he loves my stepmom more than anything in the world, and that she is the best thing to ever happen to him.
I see so much of myself in him. It makes me cry to think about it. It’s like thinking you were lost to find you were at home all along.
You were just too afraid to open your eyes.
Grant me patience, so that I can see your works in my life. They are not always immediate, nor apparent. I ask that you help me when I have doubt. That you remind me you have always answered my prayers. That you always will. That I am not entitled to immediate pleasure or happiness. I ask you remind me to trust you.
God please grant me the patience to trust Your will. Help me overcome any doubts that may arise.
Help me.
God, help me.
I’ve started a Reading Plan on Prayer via LifeChurch’s (pretty awesome) youversion. I’ll probably be going on a bit about it on this side of my blog as I work my way through it. Not for your benefit, imaginary reader. My own. I guess you could say I’m voicing my thoughts and reflecting upon my life through this blog.
So. Day One. Matthew 6:5-13. This includes The Lord’s Prayer. Which is kinda like prayer 101. It’s the first prayer I ever learned, waaaaay back when.
I like verse 5 through 8 a lot, and I think it’s pretty good proof I was meant to read this Reading Plan. It jells a lot with what I was feeling a couple blog posts ago.
5 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.7 And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words.8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
If you’re only praying so people will think you’re an awesome holy dude, then that’s your reward. You got that. Your prayers aren’t earnest, so why would they be fulfilled? You didn’t really talk to God. You talked at God. And not out of your need, or for His guidance. You did it for your ego.
And we when talk to him, it’s not important if it’s wordy. Or formal. We won’t impress God, and we won’t confuse God if it’s not “done right.” Verse 8 says He already knows what we need. Of course He does. He’s God. What’s important then, above all, is just that we talk to Him.
I just realized the fonts changed midpost and I have no desire to peruse the HTML to fix this. Tumblr must you have no font control? Anyway.
I’ve begun to ramble. I should sleep soon anyhow.
